What to tell the "mama me"

I have a few pregnant friends at the moment.....so a few times I have been asked what I wished I had known...what would I tell my mama self.....

Dear Mama me,

Just a few things I think you should know......you will be a dreadful pregnant person.... you blow up like a balloon and when it deflates it doesn't look so hot. As soon as the doctor utters those words YOU ARE PREGNANT just say goodbye to your neck and ankles because they disappear and don't actually reappear for a couple of years. By the end of your pregnancy you are systematically avoiding contact with the outside world because if one more person says 'Haven't you had that baby yet?' you may either cry or make their heads blow up. But you LOVE olives - eat them all the time! Your labour is fine , not quite as dramatic as you thought but just drama filled enough to keep you on your toes. When your mini madam arrives she is bald, covered in white ick and looks like she has black eyes - only kick yourself once for having the thought that she resembles the creepy kid from The Grudge movie.

You adore her from the moment she arrives (actually from about 9 months before that) - she breaks all the rules. She is too tiny for anything you have for her. Take 00000 size clothes for her too the hospital. She hates to be wrapped, wont stay still long enough to be breastfed, turns jaundice 24 hours after getting home so you will be back in hospital for the week. AT this stage the Mr stops coping he will get better two years later - you cope - it is all okay.

Don't buy all the crap - she is a basic child. Dirt and she is happy. For the next few years she will make you feel emotions you never thought you had. She is a terrible sleeper so sleep now. She loves art so stop buying all the other stuff and just get art supplies - you'll need them. Just give up on the rest and live in the moment with her - that is all she needs.

By the time she is three she is a force of nature and you can't believe where the time has gone (no that is not just a bullshit line old grannies say!) She is at Montessori school, she is just a really short version of the Mr, he is coping , he adores her - they fight like cat and dog and you have to get two of everything just to stop them.

You get a camera and a blog......and you get sucked into that vortex which is facebook (you try twitter!)..... you love chai and french music....you become a whole new version of yourself.

Love

me xxx

P.S. You change your hair to dark - stay that way.

P.P.S Just remember all the times you say now 'Oh that will never happen to me'.....IT WILL!

What would you say?