Friday, October 2, 2009

Yes there is an us

The Mr and I are complete opposites. We have had totally different upbringings, have very different friends, experiences everything. We have opposite politics ( I'm left he is right), beliefs, different tastes in music, food, movies. I think in the last five years we have only agreed on two songs, three movies and one meal! You get the idea that we are a classic case of opposites attract.

The madam was a planned pregnancy. I was told I could not have children and that if , by chance I did get pregnant, it would take a significant amount of time. The same doctor that told us this also gave us the positive result after we had been trying to get pregnant for four go figure.

In the last, almost three years, the Mr and I have probably discovered just how opposite we are. He did not cope at all when the Madam was born. He has never hidden or denied this so he is not fussed with me writing about it. He did not cope when I was in labour and for a long time there after.

He has openly admitted that he did not realise that this tiny person would take so much of me away from him. I know it sounds totally ridiculous but he seriously has never been able to share me. He has some very deep seeded issues from childhood that after having our girl were definitely brought out.

It was very hard on him to see life suddenly dedicated to this tiny girl who was totally dependant on me. The more he resented her the more she attached to me. Sometimes I would have to get someone to look after her just so she could have a break from him and he could have the 'Katy time' he needed.

I am, by nature, a fairly calm person but yes this situation has had me 'on a bridge' (so to speak) more times than I can count. Listening to others talk about how united they were at parenting, how their partners looked after the kids so they could have 'me' time, etc - it had me crying in my car a lot. In fact I do believe my lovely car as had to listen to my ranting, tears, etc more than any other inadament object.

Yes, at times both of us thought of ending the relationship. There were many reasons to leave but one kept us together. Above all the stupid things that have happened in the last three years we loved each other. I always said I wanted to find someone that had two elements to him;

1. That I could have just as good a time with just the two of us as I have with my friends.
2. I have to be able to wake up next to him and think this is still going to be good when we are eighty.

He has them.

Anyway, after numerous books, talking with each other and some beautiful people that seemed to come into our lives, experiences, etc we seem to be coming to the light at the end of the tunnel. I tried desperately to shield the madam from any of this, not once has she ever heard us fight and never has she wanted for anyone or anything and they have a great relationship now. I guess I wont know if the way her dad had to discover being a father had any impact on her until she gets older but as for now I think she is doing okay.

He is not perfect, mind you neither am I and we both have our good and bad days as far as parenting or just existing goes. But I think, or I guess I feel, that now we are really a family and it is kinda cool.


Virginia said...

Katy, this is fairly normal. Both for the man to experience such feelings about "sharing" you, and ambivalence towards the kiddo.

I've experienced it quite a bit with my own husband after my daughter was born, and in talking to my friends, discovered that it was rampant amongst their husbands.

I'm glad that you're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and that some things are easing up in your relationship. The first three to four years after the birth of a child are some of the hardest you'll experience both as an individual and as part of a couple.

You wrote beautifully about it.

Lucia said...

I'm really glad you are starting to feel in a better place about all this. I haven't had this particular struggle but I can relate to the amazing feeling that you are finally growing as a couple in a situation where you wondered if that could ever happen. x

Katy said...

Virginia - Thank you so much for that - I haven't auctually come across anyone that knew what we were going through so your comment helps x

Thank you Lucia - as always lovely x